Every year I make friends, meet people loose friends but I have to say the strangest one of all, is the feeling of loosing a best friend, despite nothing actually happening between the two of you. And although words are exchanged about still being there for one another, that nothing had changed, it is amazing at the rather large hole that does actually form when it is such a great 'love' that gets in the way.
In my case, I have to say it is probably my fault and although I had doubts I turned to my best friend needing their support in something that had shocked me the most, to find that they didn't want me to talk to them about it and didn't, in reality, want to know either. I knew that they were far too sensitive to the situation and still went ahead and spoke to them about it.
When in a friendship, or even a relationship, do we rely on one another too much with both physical and emotional needs? Or is it the lust of others wanting a 'perfect' life that leaves you wondering if you were just meant to be on this earth alone?
I feel that despite knowing I shouldn't have done it, that I said it all anyway, knowing that what I was doing was wrong. And it kept coming, like some great freight train and the sickening feeling after, when you feel as though you've just been hit in the stomach leaves you wanting to just curl up into a little ball and hide.
Perhaps I just feel a need to be alone, and as soon as someone gets too close I see the need to see them off before they can hurt me and leave me like so many before them. Or maybe I'm just not sociable enough. Moved to the back of beyond and an obscure upbringing didn't seem to have done anything to me, maybe it's a subconscious thing... or maybe I am just being paranoid!
I know people say blame the parents, and most shrinks go against that saying that the parents did all they could. I would have to say that my mother is one of the most uncaring, insensitive and self absorbed people you could come across, no joke. I know me and my sister didn't have the hardest of upbringing's, but I tell you, they were no picnic either.
The days we were sent to school, without breakfast and no lunch or lunch money were countless. The places we lived were so dangerous that I was in hospital three times in as many months at one point! I got told the other day that at the age of two I went to my mother, asked for a hug and got pushed away because she didn't feel like it. I think it safe to say that it was thanks to my grandparents that I turned out slightly normal!
Not too sure where all of that came from... perhaps I am onto something. Still positive day 5 of "my new year" and perhaps feeling ready to deal with issues that have haunted me from the past. And what better place then on the blogger sphere where no one knows I am, and no one reads the stuff I write! Cheap therapy!
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